Fake Contentment
by Dark Angel Kaos
Summary: Cross is missing and Kanda is devastated. Allen sees it as a chance to finally get his love. He decides that he would lie to himself so that he could have Kanda, even if Kanda doesn't love him. Sequel to Bittersweet Mendacity.


Title: Fake Contentment

Author: Dark Angel Kaos

Fandom: -Man

Pairings: Cross x Kanda, onesided Allen x Kanda

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: yaoi, shounen ai, angst, (be prepared I've messed up both Allen's and Kanda's personality – in a weird way! I just _luv_ messing with those two! They are OOC to the MAX!), unbeta'd

Genre: angst, romance (OMG)

Disclaimer: I. No. Own!

Summery: Cross is missing and Kanda is devastated. Allen sees it as a chance to finally get his love, but he doesn't want to prey on Kanda's weakness. He decides that he would lie to himself so that he could have Kanda, even if Kanda doesn't love him. Sequel to Bittersweet Mendacity.

A/N: Alright so I decided to keep the first person thing. Meh it's no prob, heh I'm like going with the flow ya kno. Hehe well then, more of Allen's silent torture up ahead! It's my second attempt at angst!

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Enjoy!

It was now approximately twenty-one days, thirteen hours and nineteen minutes since shishou disappeared without a trace.

No one knew what happened. One minute shishou was hauled up in his room and the next minute there was a large pool of blood and he was no where to be seen. It was as if he disappeared from the face of the earth. All that remained – other than the pool of blood – was his innocence 'Judgment' but according to Hevlaska that innocence piece no longer belonged to my shishou.

I didn't know what to think. My shishou was missing or probably dead, so I should be sad. I was, but at the same time I wasn't. Was it wrong that I was a bit glad that he was gone? I know it was wrong to feel that way but I couldn't help it. With shishou gone Kanda was free and I was free to make my move.

Kanda however didn't take the news well. He drowned himself in missions after missions, not even resting or taking a break. The happy and shyly smiling Kanda that I saw with my shishou no longer existed. He was a broken shell. I thought he would cry or something when he first heard but he didn't. Even when he went into the room shishou's blood was found; his face was a stern mask.

He never cried in public, but a few times I came up on his silently crying in private. It made me rethink what I thought before. If shishou disappearing made Kanda hurt this much, then I wished he never disappeared.

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Kanda was a strong person by nature but when it came to someone he loved leaving him, he was a fragile kitten. I never guessed Kanda loved shishou that much. It made me wonder if I would be able to stand a chance at getting him. His love for my shishou rivaled my love for him. But my love was greater, that I was sure of.

Everyone who saw Kanda might think that he had gotten over my shishou's disappearance but I knew him. He was still hung up on him, even if two months had already passed.

In the couple of months that passed Kanda closed himself off from the world. All he did was go on missions and train. He was drowning himself in his missions so that he would not think about my shishou. But whenever he by himself, shishou was all that he could think about and it hurt me to see that.

From then I always tried to comfort him but he always brushed me off or ignored me. Lavi told me that I should just tell him the truth and help forget my shishou, but I knew there was no way I could. Kanda loved my shishou more than anything in this world and I didn't want to give him any bad memories of him. I couldn't tell him that shishou didn't love him or that he was only with him just to torture me. If I did Kanda would either not believe me, or he would be devastated and I didn't want that.

I was on my way to my room when I saw Kanda. He was on his way to the next floor so I decided to follow him. I stood a few paces behind him so that he wouldn't notice that I was following, but I doubted he did. He looked so out of it. It was like he was a shell of his former self. The dark circles that were around his eyes showed that he wasn't getting much sleep and his skin was paler than usual. He seemed to have lost a bit of weight as his exorcist coat seemed to swallow him.

He stopped before a door and pushed it open. I wasn't shocked in the least when I saw that it was the room that my shishou last stayed. He walked in and left the door open and I was tempted to follow him in because it might be my last day alone.

Today would be my last day of 'freedom' as starting tomorrow I would be constantly watched. My so called 'watcher' was an officer from central. He would be with me to watch for any changes with my demeanor.

After the incident involving the Ark I was told that I might have the memories of the fourteenth implanted in my brain. Seriously, me a Noah? I thought it was preposterous, but shishou had explained it to me before he disappeared. He told me all that happened prior to me having the fourteenth's memories and I couldn't help but think how fucked up my life was.

When the time came, my body and mind would be taken over by the fourteenth and I would cease to exist. This was something I didn't want to think about. Right now I wanted to talk to Kanda. I wanted to tell him what I felt about him and I want him to give me a chance to love him. I heard a quiet sobs coming from the room and that steeled my determination.

I headed towards the door and pushed it open. Instantly I heard Kanda's sobs died and he turned to face me.

"What are you doing here moyashi?" he asked while he tried to hide the face that he was crying.

It made my heart ache to see him like that.

"Kanda, did you love my shishou that much?" I asked softly.

I saw anger flash in his eyes and he walked towards me, probably to escape my presence. "Move," he barked.

"No," I stood firm. "Kanda you should forget about my shishou, he isn't worth it."

Before I could finish the last word Kanda slapped me hard across my left cheek. My head swung to the right from the force of the blow. It hurt, but it hurt me more that Kanda was defending my bastard of a teacher.

"Shut up," he growled in a low tone. I could tell he was really pissed off at what I said. "Get out of my way or I'll murder you where you stand."

It really hurt and I could feel my heart dying slowly but I kept my ground. I turned back to face Kanda with determination burning in my eyes. Kanda took a step back at the intense look I gave him. I had to tell him. It was now or never.

"Kanda, I love you," I said firmly. The words were dripping with emotion. "I love you more than anyone ever would. Words can not express the intense love that I feel for you. From the first time I met you it was love at first sight. So please forget shishou and go out with me."

I didn't want it to sound so cliché and sappy but that was how I could phrase it. There was no word stronger than love, even if my feelings for his transcend that petty word. The word 'love' was too fickle to explain what I felt for him. I would do anything to get him to love me…anything.

Kanda seemed shell shocked at what I said and I took it as an opportunity to kiss him. He didn't resist and I deepened the kiss. It was magnificent. I always dreamt about kissing Kanda but the sensation was so much better than all of my dreams put together. Actually kissing him felt like I had died and gone to heaven. The taste of his lips was addictive and I didn't think I would ever feel the same again.

I released him and he stared at me blankly. When his mouth move I felt my heart died at the words that he said.

"I don't love you."

I gave him a small smile to hide my real feelings and the pure hurt that I felt. "I know."

He looked fragile and weak at that moment and I decided that I would protect him, even if he wouldn't come to love me. My love wasn't so fickle; I would love him forever and stay by his side even if he didn't let me. I would wait for him, as long as it took.

"I don't mind if you don't love me," I lied. My voice was strangely even. "I could be a substitute for my shishou for you. If that is what it takes to be with you, I don't mind it."

Kanda looked taken aback at what I said. He lowered his head.

"You love me that much?" he murmured softly.

I gave him a bright smile. "I love you more than life itself."

He sighed and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to my body. Kanda had made it clear that he didn't love me, but as long as I had him I didn't mind. I would be a substitute for my shishou for him and do anything, so that one day he might come to love me.

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**The End**

A/N: ah so sad…and damn it's so short! Okies so that was like some irony or something? Kanda is in love with someone who doesn't love him and the person that does love him he doesn't love them. Now that was so sad. Man is it weird that I like stuff like that? Ah I live for angst! Well thank you all for reading! Until next time, honorable readers! Don't forget to tell me what you thought of it! R&R onegai *waves*!

Ja na

Kaos


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